Remembering

Lately, I've been relearning a lot of things. As life gets "easier" and I let my guard down, things seem to creep in, slowly, sneakily. Cetain things, certain "triggers" I instantly react to, and the red flag flies high. I immediately raise my defenses to those triggers and am determined never to take those bullets again. But other things, seemingly smaller things, I let in, bit by bit, until I start to lose my grip and have to regain my focus before I even really know it's gone.

It can be tricky, this balancing act I perform. But it doesn't have to be. That's the frustrating thing. I know what to do to stay focused, to keep my priorities straight. Shockingly, though, I'm imperfect and naturally quite lazy. It's so much easier to watch a movie with the kids than go to my support meetings. After all, my kids "need" me. Ah, but I am a better mother and wife when I take care of myself. It's so much easier to just cater to my family than to deny them any want, even though it takes more out of me than I have to give.

I already know what I need to do and how to do it. Honestly, it's as simple as going to bed at a decent hour and making sure I get my vegetables each day. I make sure it happens for the kids, but, for some reason, it's so much harder to make it happen for myself.

And that train of thought lets me know that it's time to get back on track, to re-start, to make changes--again. It's a good thing, though. It's good to remember being better and being worse, to appreciate how far I've come--how far my family has come--and to understand how much farther we have the opportunity to go.

Most of all I am ever grateful to know what strength lies behind me, before me, within me, and that I can simply call on Him, let Him in, and He will make me what He needs me to be.

All I need do is remember.